If I Made Twilight

I was going to review Twilight after I saw it, but when I came out of the theater I was so overwhelmed by the overpowering stench of adolescent estrogen that it took me a while to compose myself and gather my thoughts. So many things didn't make sense about this movie... But, then again, so many things don't make sense about high school girls. So rather than try to rationally explain what the filmmakers intent was like I usually do with sub-par movies, I decided to take Twilight to school and teach it what I would do to make it better.

Let me start off by saying I had no problem with the vampires themselves. Their mythology in this story was completely removed from the occult and given a new reality based on biological science. But what's with the Native Americans and being descended from wolves?? The first thing I would change is this - forget being descended. Make them friggin werewolves! That right there is enough to replace at least half of the crappy forbidden love drama with some nice fang-on-fang action!

And speaking of crappy forbidden love drama, high school is WAY too young to be making an ETERNAL love commitment. And the guy who played Edward really wasn't all that great looking. Here's what I'm thinking. Mid-to-late twenties characters. Chris Pine as the gorgeous love muffin with fangs. You may differ on the particular actor, but the principle is the same. Screw prom, screw biology class, screw high school drama. Give me a love story I can believe that DOESN'T come from the most awkward era of my life.

Now you know I have to say something about the effects. C'mon, guys... If you're going to run up a tree, leave some friggin claw marks. And if you're going to jump away from a girl in bed and land two yards away, then Newton would tell you that you're going to push her so far back into her bed that she's going to spring back up at least a couple feet. We all know you use ropes to accomplish these things, but don't make it so friggin obvious.

In one part, the vampires tear off another vampire's head like it's held with glue. Think about this. If a vampire is so much more powerful than a human, it may be easy for him to tear off a human head, but the very things that make vampires this strong would make it impossible to accomplish the same task on another vampire! This is where we unsheath the machette.

And now my final and biggest grievance with the entire story... The part where the valient Edward saves Bella from the vampire venom shooting through her viens. I'm not going to take this to the place most people have gone who ask why they didn't let Bella become a vampire. It's an overstated argument and I can understand their reluctance. What I want to know is if Doctor Collun was sitting right there why the heck wouldn't he suck the venom out himself?? It's been established that Dr. Collun had the most self control over the blood frenzy that occurs in these vampires over the taste of blood. In my Twilight, the good doctor would have been attacked and on the verge of death himself so that Edward was Bella's only hope for maintaining humanity.

One more thing... If father Collun has set himself up as the town doctor, shouldn't he be spearheading the town's blood-donation efforts?

That's how I would redo Twilight. What are YOUR grievances with the movie?