How Social Media Saved the World

It cannot be understated that we are living through a history-making difficult time. Hundreds of thousands of people are falling victim to a global pandemic and everyone is else either staying home or acting brazenly stupid. It shouldn't be surprising, though, that one of the upshots of all of this is that there has been a rise in meme-making.

First defined by Richard Dawkins in 1976 as a cultural idea that takes on a life of its own and is passed down through generations much the same way that genes are, the word "meme" has itself taken on a life of its own to define pictures made and passed around on the Internet that often lampoon various aspects of life. I don't think I've seen any new memes in the past few days that weren't about the COVID-19 epidemic. But this isn't the first time a global catastrophe has been made fun of in what could be described as a "childish" fashion. In fact, one of the memes I've seen compared the uptick in Cor…

Green Onion: Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

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