Why Slow and Steady Wins the Race in Social Media

A lot of the times, new business pop up and their owners are so excited about this new venture that they think they need to see quick growth on social media. This mindset may lead them to make some rash decisions such as buying followers or spending too much on ads. And it may look impressive to investors to have gained over 1,000 followers in under a month, but savvy investors know there's more to it than that. And the day-to-day consumer probably won't even pay attention.

Let's get this out of the way right at the front: Do not buy followers. No one knows for sure, but it's estimated that about 15% of social media accounts are bots. That's 15% of about 3 billion. So, if you had every bot on Twitter following you, it would bring your follower count up to about 450 million. Sounds impressive, right? It does right up until you realize that bots aren't buying your products or telling any real people about you. You could make the case that the high number of foll…

Green Onion: Man Proposes Conspiracy to Withhold Satisfaction from Complainers

In a press conference on Wednesday, Martin Bukowski revealed extensive research into seventy different technical support offices stating that many of the long, involved calls they received were all from the same people. Outliers from this statistic included people who called about a problem that was quickly and easily solved either by being fixed, refunded, or replaced.

Bukowski chose thirteen of the people who were involved in long, involved calls and found them to be constant complainers in everyday life whether they had received the wrong order at McDonald's, experienced back pain every morning, lost their parking space to another vehicle, or any number of a wide variety of difficult happenstances.

"It's not that these kinds of things never happen to other people," Bukowski explained, "it's just that these 13 people were the only ones who voiced complaints about it. The rest just took the hit and went on with their lives."

Bukowski went on to explain that complainers often called technical support offices for similar issues to everyone else, but ended up hitting various "dead ends" that no one else ever hit. He proposed that this was done willfully on the part of the technical support operatives and, possibly, everyone else who had ever given bad customer service to these complainers.

"It's part of a grand conspiracy," Bukowski said, "to harness the energy of these angry, uncomfortable people to feed their corporate masters and, in the process, teach them how futile their efforts are, making them docile and complicit, if depressed and disenfranchised, over time." He suggested that once a complainer has accepted the fact that they will never receive proper treatment, they stop interacting with humanity altogether, making life for the rest of the world more bearable.

Martin Bukowski's work will be peer reviewed and an official statement on its viability as a theory is expected to be released on Friday, providing none of the reviewers starts complaining that they have been unfairly represented within the study.

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